


love and other fears

by dilkirani



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Post-Season/Series 03, but no spoilers, just more FS convos that I want to see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 01:15:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7078480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dilkirani/pseuds/dilkirani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fitz and Simmons have definitely said "I love you" before, but things are different now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love and other fears

Jemma falls across Fitz’s chest, out of breath. He pushes a sweaty strand of hair back from her face and gently kisses her forehead before she buries herself into him. He is everything, he is so good; they are  _so good_  together and Jemma is overcome with the realization that this is everything she never knew she needed.

“I love you,” she says softly, already seconds from sleep. Fitz stiffens almost imperceptibly.

“Whaaaat?” she whines. She’s his girlfriend now—she should probably ask if something’s the matter. But she’s weightless and the promise of sleep is so tantalizingly close.

“Nothing,” he murmurs, tightening his arms around her. “It’s just the first time you’ve said that, is all.”

“No, it’s not. We’ve said we love each other thousands of times!”

“Yeah, but not since… uh,” he gestures vaguely between them.

“Not since we’ve been having sex?” She asks it because she knows he’ll still blush. Because her traitorous brain immediately finished his sentence instead with “not since the med pod,” when these words had suddenly become dangerous, and it’s not technically true. She had begged  _I love you, I love you, I love you, don’t do this, just wake up, I would do anything_  into his chest. Before, never wanting to be without someone had been a strange, tingling, thrilling feeling, but then it was suffocating, swimming ninety feet up with dead weight that she couldn’t shed because if she had, what would be left of her at the surface? 

Someday, she will have the courage to tell Fitz all of this. Of anyone, he would understand. He spent six months searching for her, after all. But she doesn’t know how to articulate the way she broke. The way she had wondered if maybe it would have been better to never have met Fitz at all. She never would have been as fulfilled and challenged and whole, she’s absolutely certain of that, but she is equally certain that her heart would never have shattered in the same way. She never would have felt like the best pieces of herself were shards of glass, weapons relentlessly slicing through her. She couldn’t even scream.

Even now, even in these perfect moments, Jemma sometimes feels her lungs constricting. She is so afraid of losing Fitz, so afraid that if it happens now, after everything, she truly might never recover. Fitz wouldn’t think like this. Fitz would never even think that meeting her wasn’t worth it. Her Fitz, who never gave up. Who can never believe that when she lost her chance to come back to him on Maveth, everything good inside her died. She doesn’t know how to fight for self-preservation when her whole soul is tied up in him.

These are the first things in a laundry list of issues she will someday unpack with a counselor. She’s been keeping track.

If Fitz feels the shift in her mood, he doesn’t say anything, just rubs soothing circles on her back.

“Since we’ve been  _dating_ ,” he finally finishes. “Officially.”

His voice tethers her back to reality, back to the only thing that matters right now: that they survived, together.

She grasps his face between hers, peppering kisses along his jawline. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

He grins up at her. “That’s just oxytocin speaking, Jemma. I can’t trust your judgment right now.”

She rolls her eyes. “You’re not even the biochemist! And I don’t care if it is, it’s still true. What, you’re not going to say it back?”

He scoffs. “’Course not! I’m not going to say ‘I love you’ for the first time right after we’ve had sex, even if it was amazing! It’s got to be more romantic. I’ll have to think about the perfect timing.”

She groans and rolls herself off him. “You’re impossible.”

He wraps his arms around her, snuggling against her back. It’s silent for a few minutes, until—“Okay, actually, I can’t wait. I love you. So much, always.” He’s smiling against her shoulder, but she can feel his breath hitch.

She turns back to face him and just stares, and he’s right, this is different than every other time they’ve said it. Because now, his eyes, his lips, his words are loosening the tightness in her chest. Now, she thinks that someday she’ll tell him everything and feel safer for it. She falls asleep trusting that when she wakes up, they’ll still be here, alive and together. It’s not a guarantee of forever, but for now, it’s enough.


End file.
